It was only a dream...

A friend of mine used to say, "Every action you take should be designed to bring you one step closer to your goal."

He wanted to be a musician. He made sure he studied with the best teachers, and went into debt in order to pay for the most prestigious school possible. He went out of his way to meet the right people, and was careful not to burn any bridges. He religiously practiced scales, arpeggios, and long tones, and played in as many ensembles as he could find. When he wasn't playing, he was listening. He was always taking more in, paying more attention, and working harder than everyone else. And you know what? He became a fabulous musician. He reached his goal.

What an awesome theory, right?

Well, kind of.

He's currently one of the least happy people I know. After all, when you spend every ounce of your energy to reach your singular goal, what do you do when you finally achieve it?

You make another one, I guess, if you have the energy. What else CAN you do?

The problem is that he spent so much of his life becoming a musician that he never developed any other part of his existence. He's socially inept, a financial nightmare, lonely, egotistical, and....well, he's more than a bit jaded.

Of course, this doesn't happen to everyone. There are some who are able to zero in a goal, takes steps to reach it, and then live happily ever after. Kudos to them, I say....but how many of those people ARE there in the world? Not too many, I would think.

The other night, I was on the phone discussing how hard life can seem when you don't know exactly where you want to end up. How can you plan for a future if you don't know specifically what you want said future to look like? When you look at it in that light, it seems every move is futile, if it doesn't represent a specific piece of the puzzle you're trying to build, but can't see.

It's awfully intimidating sometimes to see all of these people with laser-focused ambition, speeding along to wherever it is they are going...when it looks like you're just ambling along at a fraction of the pace.

As I thought about it, though, it occurred to me that specific direction does not equal happiness. I thought of my musician friend, and how impressed I had been with him at one point. "There's a guy that is going somewhere," I would think. And I was jealous. It appeared that he knew so much more than I did, and he was on a path to a satisfaction I would never know.

Today, though, when I look at how my life differs from his, I am surprised to see how much more content I am, in the overall picture. It took some thought before I came up with a reasonable explanation.

You see, it's not that I am less ambitious. It's not that I lack direction. It's just that what I have always wanted is harder to define. I can't say, "I want to achieve 'X', and then I'll be happy." To me, happiness is more about the journey.

Don't get me wrong, I love my career. I very much enjoy what I do every day, and I have worked pretty damn hard to get where I am. I also passionately adore my son, my family, and my friends. I'm happy with my house, I have a pretty respectable social life, and I spend a lot of time doing things I consider fun. And you know what?

That's what I always wanted.

There isn't a particular place in which I want to live. I don't have a dream job. I'm not salivating for the day when I can say I have a million dollars in the bank.

I just want to surround myself with people that I love, and spend every day growing and learning about the things that excite me. And there is nothing wrong with that. Each person is wired differently, and we need to be as compassionate to ourselves as we are with others when we look with the inescapable judgmental eye.

The fact that you're not moving in a straight line can seem like a failure on the surface. But if you're always trying, watching for opportunity, and taking chances when they appear, you're most likely evolving more than you realize behind the scenes. You can expand in many different directions at the same time and not appear, from the outside, to have moved much at all. It's terribly frustrating if you're unable to put things in the proper perspective as you live them, isn't it? Picturing yourself as others see you is nearly impossible, and seeing your personal growth in a fair light is a constant challenge.

I'm not insinuating that floating aimlessly is the preferable way to get through life. What I am suggesting is that perhaps it's beneficial to simply pick directions, in lieu of destinations. For instance:

I am looking for a fulfilling career in a certain area, which enables me to profit intellectually and financially.
...for which I will work hard, and keep attuned to opportunities that will allow for advancement.

I want to build a healthy relationship with a person who enables me to be a better person.
...and I will evaluate each person I meet, in order to determine which qualities I admire in an individual, and what sort of characteristics make me happy.

I would like to become more adept at a specific hobby.
...so I will purposely set aside time on a regular basis to learn and enjoy it.

I want to travel and see more of the world.
...in which case, I need to save money and vacation time so that I am able to do so.

With goals such as these, one retains a level of fluidness in their operations. There is flexibility to focus more on certain issues as life ebbs and flows around us. It also allows for change, when we discover that our priorities have evolved with us. Oddly enough, living this way, I've even found that destinations and milestones tend to appear when you least expect them. You don't need a grand vision to be happy. (Again, there are a select few who have that vision, and manage to live happily along the straight line their whole lives. I am, however, not one of them.)

This morning, as I sat on a conference call in my office, my mind wandered to the task of Christmas cards. It has been years since I've written a letter to include in them, so I thought perhaps I would suck it up and put one together. I jotted notes as I half-listened to the question and answer session, and was absolutely floored when I finished the list of everything A and I have done this year.

You see, I still have a lot to do in this life...which is good. But I couldn't believe the changes that have occurred recently. I never imagined I'd be where I am today, and am...dare I say...proud of myself for what I have accomplished. I stopped to see where I've made progress, which milestones I have passed, and what areas need more work as I move forward. I reevaluated my position, and adjusted my viewpoint accordingly.

Next year, I hope to do more of the same. I can't tell you what opportunities will arise, or what challenges I will face. But I can assure you that I will grab hold of the things I want, and continue purging the things that hold me back. I'll keep getting better. And I will try my very best to suppress the self-defeating voice that tries to convince me that I am not doing enough.

Because I really am, in fact, doing more than enough. It's just hard to see sometimes.

And life? It's not a puzzle after all.

It's a canvas. Paint what you love with the colors you are given.