It was only a dream...

Reposted from 8/12/07

I've been avoiding the back yard for the last couple of weeks. It seems that hornets have made a nest INSIDE of the porch light right outside the back door, and they've taken over the area.

Needless to say, I've been kinda pissed with the whole situation.

For instance yesterday, while I was outside cleaning the glass of the sliding door and grumbling to myself, I decided that if one of those fuckers even had the balls to come near me, I was going to have to think of new and interesting ways to end their miserable existence. Of course they didn't stay away, and weren't entirely happy with my presence. I had to shy away a few times to keep from getting stung. The thought of hairspray and a cigarette lighter even sounded moderately amusing at that point.

Here's the thing, though. They are living inside of the light. Did I mention that part? There's this tiny hole, smaller than a dime, in the bottom where they fly in and out. At any given time, you can see about twenty of them on the inside of the glass, gleefully going about their merry business.

Getting them out wasn't going to be easy. But I wanted my yard back.

See, I could get my little can of Raid wasp killer spray, put it up to the hole, and fill the whole thing with foamy goodness, but then I'd run the risk of a bunch of them flying back to the hive while I'm spraying. And I'd have to disassemble the entire light, clean it from top to bottom with two or three different products, and then put it back together. What a pain in the ass.

Not gonna happen.

So this afternoon, while I was on the phone with my mom, I got to thinking. And then I started to laugh. An evil, horrible, super-villain kind of laugh. She got worried. She knows that laugh too well. I think the last time she heard it was right before I fed her dog a peanut butter sandwich. That, of course, was funny in its own right.

The thing is, I figured out how to kill the little flying bastards. And now my mother thinks I'm a (more) horrible person. But it's just so worth it! Evil can be fun, you know.

So tonight, as the sun was setting, I whistled happily as I went out to the garage to get the duct tape. I tore off a small piece, slightly larger than the size of a dime. I tiptoed out the back door, checked the perimeter for intruders, and stuck the tape over the hornet hole on the light.

And then, my friends, I swaggered back inside, and did a very mean thing.

I flipped on the light switch.

I figure that by now, it's got to be about 150 degrees inside that light. By morning, I should have hornet flambé. Unscrew the bottom of the light, shake it out a bit, and let the carcasses fall to the ground as birdie breakfast.

If you listen closely tonight, you may be able to hear the screams of an entire hive of dying hornets.

I never claimed to be a nice person. Good thing I have a sense of humor to fall back on...