It was only a dream...

My grandpa just called. He wanted to make sure I was okay, because yesterday, while we were celebrating Christmas at my parents' house, he said I looked so tired that "the funeral home guys should have been waiting right outside." He told me that I should rest and take a few days off, because at the rate I'm going, I'm not going to make it much longer.

I told him that I am fine, and I was just tired. I promised to take it easy this week, since I'm on vacation and finally have very little left on my to-do list. I didn't tell him anything else. He's almost eighty-two, and doesn't need to worry about me. He is the sweetest, most wonderful man in the world, and he deserves to believe that everything is okay with the world.

It's funny, though. As I hung up the phone, I remembered that it was recently pointed out to me that I am fiercely (if not over zealously) protective of my pride. I couldn't argue the point, of course. It is a completely true statement.

I fully realize that I am a high-maintenance, very emotional person. I also realize that it is not fair to inflict my moods on the rest of the world. I am therefore painstakingly careful to keep as much of the rollercoaster as possible to myself. I will do everything in my power to avoid being accused of playing the drama queen, and I will think twice (if not more) before responding to an issue to which I have an emotional reaction. If I can at all help it, the worst the world will ever see is that I am, in fact, tired.

I hate a lot of things that are going on right now. I am angry, hurt, and burned out on the world. But I laughed on the phone with my grandpa, and I sent a level-headed, careful text reply to someone who crushed my day today. I called my mother to wish her a Merry Christmas, I called my son (who is with his dad all week) to tell him I love him, I took a long hot bath, and I am now writing to remind myself that when you have nothing else, it is good to at least be able to hold on to your pride.

If you handle yourself with dignity in the face of adversity, you can stay warm, even when you're completely alone. No one can take away your pride unless you let them.

As long as I can maintain that poise, I can not be broken.

I refuse to be broken.