It was only a dream...

I was on the elevator at work today, innocently heading up to the ninth floor, when the little closed-circuit tv monitor pissed me off.

On the screen was the following blurb (yes, I went straight to my desk and wrote it down. sure me):

Grossly Outnumbered!

There are over 40,000 different spiders in the world. In contrast, there are only 4,000 species in the entire mammal kingdom.

Now, I'm not a rocket scientist (or a biologist, for that matter), but it only took me about a half a second to say, "Hey, wait a minute!"

There is no such thing as the mammal kingdom. I found myself channeling Mr. Reeves, my high school biology teacher, who may have been one of the oddest men I have ever met. My sister thought he was the best teacher ever - I, on the other hand, always thought he was a bit creepy. He looked a bit like the bastard love child of Grizzly Adams and Fred Flintstone. With red hair. And big coke bottle glasses.

"Look here, monoecious...." I could hear him saying. He called everyone that, as his own little nasty way of making people look shit up in order to learn while being insulted. Just to save you the trouble:

Main Entry: mon·oe·cious \mə-ˈnē-shəs, mä-\
Function: adjective
I know. It's lame. But that was his thing.

"Look here, monoecious. King Phillip came over from Germany Saturday, remember? There is no mammal kindgom!"

Remembering that, my eyes rolled back into my head. I struggled to pluck the information from the depths of my shriveling brain. Kingdom, Phylum, Class, Order, Family, Genus, Species.

Kingdom - Animal
Phylum - Chordata (Vertebrate)
Class - Mammalia (Mammals)

etcetera....etcetera....etcet.....*zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*

At that point, it was too late for me. Mr. Reeves was in my head. I remembered having to pee (badly) during his class. I raised my hand.

"Mr. Reeves?"

"Yes, monoecious."

"Can I please go to the bathroom?"

He narrowed his eyes. "Tell me. Can your bladder hold twenty more drops, do you think?"

I thought about it. It sounded like a stretch. "I don't think so."

"How about ten?"

I squirmed. I could probably do ten, but what was the point? "Um, probably."

"Good!" he proclaimed. "Because there are about ten minutes left in my class. Your bladder produces, on average, one drop of urine per minute. You'll be just fine to wait until the bell."

The entire class groaned. He had struck again.

Right around that time, he would have likely scanned the floor of the classroom for loose change. He always picked up pennies, dimes, nickels, whatever he could find...and at the end of the school year, he would take his wife out for a steak dinner with all of the money he'd collected.

Did I mention he was odd?

So I was standing there on the elevator, thinking of Mr. Reeves, when it struck me. The evil bastard had actually taught me something that's been in my head for over 20 years. Why is it that I can't remember where I parked my car when I leave the office, I never have any idea where my keys are, and I can run into someone in the deli that I know I've met before, and have no clue what their name is....but I can instantly recall, as clear as a bell, being told by Mr. Reeves while dissecting an earthworm that they taste just like cockroaches?

I'm telling you. The dude was creepier than I imagined.