It was only a dream...

I had a phone interview for another job today - this one doesn't sound quite as much up my alley as the other for which I'd applied, but it is interesting. Plus I know two people that work for this company (which is one of the biggest in the business), and they've both told the hiring manager that I am the person for the job. It was a bit strange to go through an interview in that position, I must say. I've never before been a prime candidate, and it's pretty humbling.

I'm also invited to a party this Saturday night with a guess list that looks like the who's who of Chicago. One of my clients, who seems to have befriended me, really wants me to come. I told him I don't have a date, and he indicated that was no big deal, as it would be a piece of cake to pair me up with just about any of his friends.

That, in particular, was disconcerting.

So I find myself in this place where in many ways, I'm very successful - or on the verge of achieving great things. Career-wise, I've got options, all of which pay much more than I'm making now. Socially, I seem to be getting to know some influential people. And on the arts front, this board membership seems to be opening some great doors.

But, to paraphrase something Jonathan said to me a while back, success is hard. It really makes you question who you are, where you're going, and whether or not you belong in certain places. I was talking with my mom tonight, and what struck me as we spoke was the fact that I just feel....awkward.

Socially, I still feel like a misfit kid. I seem to have two modes of operation - painfully shy and quiet, or babbling like a drunken idiot. I'm not very good at small talk, unless I can follow along with a conversation primarily carried by someone else. If things are too quiet, I just start rambling about crap, and then feel like a moron afterwards. This isn't just in new situations, either - it's whenever I feel that there is something at stake. The middle ground of a comfort zone is just so elusive.

I've proven this recently in many ways, and a couple of you who are close to me can vouch for that, I'm sure. I even went for a few months not speaking to someone I care about, because I just didn't know what to say. I wanted to talk, but knew that if I did, it would come off as just trying too hard. Which it sometimes still does, I know.

I'm also afraid that if I go to this party Saturday night, I'm either going to stand in a corner nursing a beer all night or make a fool of myself flirting with a group of guys I'll never see again. Neither sounds particularly appealing, although I know that just showing up is the right thing to do.

The strange thing lately is that I'm off-balance at work now. I've always been very close with my entire group - but it's hard to be open and honest when you're out interviewing at other places. I've therefore spent a lot of time holed up in my office avoiding people, because as anyone who knows me can attest, I have no poker face.

Work has always been the stable force in my life...when everything else is shaky, I know I have that stability to fall back on. Right now I'm moving so fast that I don't really feel like I have a central, steady core to keep me balanced. I'm off-kilter.

A, of course, is about to turn twelve. There is no such thing as stability or predictability there. He's doing great, but life changes completely every time he blinks.

Many of my friends, too, are going through very tough times. I'm trying to be there, and be reliable for them, but baking cookies and helping around the house now and then only goes so far.

And this movie project is really exciting, but I feel like I'm dropping the ball a bit there, because I can't dedicate a ton of time to it.

We won't even talk about men - I've been making an idiot out of myself there, too (back to the silent vs. babbling dilemma).

And maybe if I would sleep, everything would be a lot easier.

As I told my mom on the phone tonight, I know that I really don't have anything to complain about. And to be honest, I'm not really complaining. I know that there are throngs of people who would kill to be in my position right now.

I'm just off-balance. I need to find a middle ground, and have some sort of a safe haven where I can relax and be comfortable.

Because, see.....?

I'm even babbling here, now.

Success really is hard.