Saturday, January 1, 2011
I'm not terribly proud of my behavior lately. It's as if everything has just been too hard, and I haven't been able to keep my head up. I've spent the last week in my apartment, hiding from the world. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to go anywhere. I just...don't want to engage.
Generally speaking, if you give me a crisis, I can deal with it. Anything you want to throw at me. I'm up to the challenge. I'll take charge, find a way to get everyone through it, and do it with a determination that borders on fanatical.
One challenge. I'm golden.
But when there are multiple fronts on which I need to fight, I break down. I can't focus. I bleed energy like a gunshot victim. I start to close in on myself, and withdraw from everything. Instead of fighting the good fight, I collapse into a quivering mess.
The gnawing worry for over a year has been trying to sell my house. There is nothing I can do to make it move, and so I have tried not to let it bother me. It's there, though. Every time I walk into this apartment, every time Alec and I go to sleep in the same bedroom, every time I make a second monthly payment, every time I look for something and remember that it's packed in a box out in Cary, it's there. I stomp it down. I tell it to be quiet. I tell it that I will win eventually.
Then came the cyst. At first, it didn't seem like such a big deal...have surgery, get it removed. But every day it grows, and every day it pushes against parts of my insides that aren't used to being pushed. It hurts when I sit, it hurts when I stand. It hurts when I lay on my back. It hurts when....well, it always hurts. I have not had a day without pain in almost a month. This is harder to ignore than the housing issue, because it's always screaming for attention. I swear I have tried to ignore it. But it scares me. I'm afraid that surgery will not be as easy as I hope. I'm afraid that maybe there's something else going on that I don't know about that is causing all of the pain. Again, there is nothing I can do but wait. And try not to be afraid.
I am burned out at work. This I can deal with, because it's such a necessary evil. But it doesn't bring the challenge it used to. It's not something that I can say, "Well, at least I have a great job!" It's just a dull ache.
All of this was enough. I was managing. I was hanging in there, and doing okay as long as I reminded myself to be happy with all of the anticipated fruits of the last few years' labor. I was hanging in there.
And then I was slowly, messily dumped. I hadn't really realized how much I'd been relying on this man's smile to get me through. He was safe. He was constant. He made me happy every time we were together. It had been so long since I'd let my guard down and just enjoyed someone's company that I failed to see the danger that lay within. And all of a sudden, without warning, he panicked. Out of nowhere came, "I don't know what I want." That gradually turned into, "I need some time". Then came the death knell of, "you deserve better".
And again, there is nothing I can do about it.
Throw in the agony of Christmas, Alec being gone to his dad's for a week and a half, and then compound it with the stomach flu.
I am worthless right now. I don't know where to turn. I can't think.
I'm not answering the phone. I'm not going out. I've cried every day.
It hurts to breathe.
I wish someone could come in and make it all better, but I know how foolish of a wish that really is.
Things will get better. Until then, though, I just want to cry a little more.