It was only a dream...

Admitting that you want something is a very dangerous thing to do. It gives people power over you. The power to say no; the power to make you feel stupid for wanting too much. The power to demand something in return through negotiation; the power to withhold the object of your desire in order to hurt you.

I have begun to realize as of late that I am afraid of so many of the things I truly want in this world. Giving voice to them seems a cataclysmically disastrous proposition - I know that I am a dreamer, and I am often a fool for the romantic notion that I can be and do everything on which I have my heart set.

Part of the problem, I think, is that I am very good at many things. Certain aspects of life have always come easily for me, and I've not had to work terribly hard to be successful in certain key areas.

But the things that are important are the things that require effort. The payoffs worth reaping are subject to great risk - and I have never, ever been very good at losing.

So those things that matter, those treasures I would give anything to have, I am too afraid to pursue. Too terrified to speak up and say, "I want this." Because what happens if you give everything, sacrifice your whole self, and are rewarded with only a resounding, "No"?

Perhaps the timing was wrong, or the circumstances were not conducive. Maybe you really didn't have what it took, or you just weren't destined to have it. To lay everything on the line and be turned away is something that I'm not sure I can face.

Instead, I spend too much time preoccupied with the standard, safe goals. I spend too many hours at work, because I'm better at my job than anyone else I know. I do too much, blow through every objective, and drive myself to always be the best at everything that comes my way there. I make sure my house is cleaner than my friends' and family's. I communicate with my son ad nauseum, so that he is the wisest and most mature amongst his peers. I give constantly of all of the things that come easily to me...to the point that I no longer have the time or energy to think about those things that would make my soul sing.

Tonight, I am exhausted. I have successfully over-scheduled myself to the point where I'm not sure I can continue to function. My health has suffered, my heart has grown tired. I feel beaten by the very things I have pushed myself to achieve.

When all I really want is...

...if you really thought I would tell you, then you are even more foolish than I am.