It was only a dream...

It was supposed to be easy.

Don't all tragedies start that way?

But it really, really was. Supposed to be easy, that is. All I wanted to do was pick up some of those new little Off Clip-On Insect Repellent thingies. We're spending four days in the woods. How nice would it be, I thought, to not have to smell like bug spray the whole time? I could just grab us a few of those, and see how they work.

That was two weeks ago. I stopped at Target to grab them on my way home one night, but they were out. Huh, I mused. Must be popular.

The next day at work, I mentioned off-hand to one of my friends that I was relatively eager to try these magical mosquito stoppers. "Oh!" he exclaimed. "My mom is in Florida, and she just picked up a few of those! She said they're amazing!"

Hmph.

Now I really had to get them.

I tried another Target. No luck. I asked the tired-looking old lady with the red shirt and the blue eyeshadow. "Good luck," she groused. "They're flying off the shelves!"

Then I ran to the local Jewel/Osco. They claimed not to have seen any in over a week.

What is there, a conspiracy? How good can these things possibly be?! I mean, really.

Really.

Something told me they were that good. Or more specifically, someone. The teenaged twit at Walgreens this evening, to be more specific. "Oh, man. I wish I'd gotten those while they were here! We can't keep them on the shelves. They're awesome!"

At this point, I gave A a knowing look. He nodded. We were on a mission.

Two more Walgreens and a CVS later, we were still at a loss. Ace hardware, Home Depot. No luck.

I was demoralized. "Maybe.....maybe we should just pick up some Deep Woods Off and be done with it," I sighed.

"No! We can't give up now!" A was vehement. "We're not going home until we find them!"

Pulling out of the parking lot, some cocksucker in a vette cut me off.

"Get out of my way, you stupid cocksucker..." I sneered.

"Mom." A was getting to be a problem.

"What?" I snapped.

"Mouth."

I turned around and gave him the Billy Idol snarl. "Drop it. I'm just calling it as I see it."

A sighed.

Sports Authority, K-Mart. At Menards, they told us that even Johnson & Johnson was out of them. Nobody had them anywhere. We had no chance.

"Hey, how about Wal-Mart?" A asked.

I considered for a moment. If anybody would have them, it would be Wal-Mart, right?

"Okay. But if they don't have any, I'm going home. I'm tired, my feet hurt, and I still have a lot to do tonight before we leave. We've been out shopping for these stupid things for an hour and a half! This is ridiculous!"

Just then, another dickhead cut me off.

"You're a dickhead!" I screamed.

"Mom!"

"Shut up! I ought to run him off the road!"

"That depends. Does he have any Off clip-ons in there?"

I laughed. I hate it when he makes me laugh when I'm really mad. It takes all of the wind out of my belligerent little sails.

So we went to Wal-Mart. In the corner of the store, over by lawn & garden, where they keep the insect repellent, there was....

...an empty shelf where the Off clip-ons used to be.

What? You expected a happy ending?!

I picked up a bottle of Deep Woods Off, two bags of ice, and stomped to the register. A looked at me, smiled a beatific smile, and cooed, "You're so pretty when you're angry!"

I didn't kick him in Wal-Mart, I swear. Neither did I tell him to bite me. Because at that point, I knew I was beaten.

On the way home, I was cut off yet again. From the back seat, under his breath, I heard A mutter, "You stupid jerk."

Maybe I won't feed him to the mosquitoes after all.

We're leaving in the morning for our annual camping trip. Catch you when we get back :)